Instead, and quite by surprise, I wound up in a 40 bed ICU/CCU that encompassed a Level 1 trauma center, open heart, neuro specialties, and more. I was shell-shocked for two straight years as I cared for these patients, and fell in love with their families, and fell apart for their families. Shift after shift I watched as some patients fought to live and others surrendered to death. Some fought fiercely even angrily, while others strained fearfully to the bitter end, in agony and despair… Still others with similar diagnosis or injury, left this world with joy and peace, in total rest. The dichotomy was blinding. It wasn’t just evident to me, something I alone was perceiving and privy to. It was a frequent but also taboo topic of conversation amongst the staff, whispers at the desks, small gatherings at the medication counter. What was the difference? Why were some endings so gut wrenching and even horrific, while other endings were such a wonderful privilege to watch, you almost felt as though you were witnessing a birth?

The answer is Jesus. Plain and simply, Jesus. Even those medical staff that had come into that unit as atheists and agnostics had to admit that something spiritual was happening in each of those deaths, whether good or bad. It was just too much to ignore.

The more I experienced the more overwhelmed I felt by the desire to share Jesus with patients. In the beginning I was afraid of being reprimanded or even disciplined for what I did, but I didn’t want to be responsible for withholding a person’s last opportunity to know Him. At one point I even began to worry about whether or not I should share with all the patients I possibly could while at work. How could I get alone time with each of them? It was then that I was blessed with a conversation with a good friend of ours, a Navy Chaplain. I asked him, “Don’t you feel guilty, or bad, with all these people walking by in everyday life, in the grocery store or on the street who certainly don’t know the Lord? How do you deal with that? How do you live without feeling like you have to tell every person you run into, the good news of the Gospel… or do you?” He didn’t linger in his answer, it was right there, as though God had spoken it to him just minutes before. I will repeat it to the best of my recollection, he said, “I don’t feel guilty. I am not responsible for telling everyone around me, God is. People are responsible for their response when He makes Himself known to them. I am only responsible when God lays it on my heart to share with someone. If I don’t, then I am guilty, I am choosing for them in a way. So, when He tells me to share, I do and know that He will give me the words. If I don’t, then I suppose their blood is on my hands, and that is heavy. If they receive it, great! If they don’t, I just assume it is another seed God is planting.” WOW! What a relief that was to me! At the same time, it was sobering to think about the obedience required of our leaders and teachers, their need and desire to stay tuned in and sensitive to the leading of the Spirt.

So, after that, I waited on the Lord to show me who needed Him. I am sure I made mistakes, but God is gracious, He knows our hearts… and He rejoiced with me in moments when people made decisions for Him, His warmth and love so tangible at times I could hardly contain myself. Some folks I shared with were even in comas. After praying with even these “incoherent” people, there would often be an overwhelming sense of joy in me from head to toe, and I believe God was working. I believe that the spirits of people are alive and sharp well beyond the age and condition of the body in many cases, and I believe God made it possible for those people to participate in prayer through His Spirit and theirs. The evidence of a persons awareness even in those situations is there, and I could rattle on forever about it, but I won’t keep you. God can impress it on your heart as He has mine, without a list of my clinical experiences.

I work in a much smaller, low-key ICU these days. Although the medical acuity of these patients is no where near as great, the spiritual acuity is just as severe. I pray and ask God to provide me with the patients He wants me to care for, and show me if there is a way I can minister to them. I ask Him to bring me patients that need Him or would enjoy a nurse who can celebrate their relationship with Him. He is faithful. I know the Charge Nurses think they are making out the patient assignments, but I know that it is really God who is doing it. Numerous times, I have had patients who express fear of death… what a privilege to share a prayer of salvation with them, and what a miracle to behold as the peace that passes all understanding washes over them and surrounds them through their last breath. No less incredible is to share in such an event with a faith focused family and listen to them as they reminisce about or with the person that is in their last moments. I have to confess, I think it is me that is blessed beyond words in those moments, what an amazing opportunity to see God work.

Having Jesus in death is full of comfort, peace, joy and expectancy. What a privilege to see people pass from death to life, it is better than birth a hundred times over. I want that. I have that! I hope you have that, too.

Acts 16:31 …”Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved – you and your household.”

Roman 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

1 John 5:5 Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

My pulse quickened as I lay there on the table looking up at the ceiling wondering what they might find. This machine sitting on the table next to me was about to tell me if my worst fears have come true, that there is something wrong with my heart and as much as I tried to relax, I couldn’t. There’s no hiding from this. There’s no room for denial when the wires attached to you are reading the impulses of your heart. Will the years of neglect finally have caught up with me? Will this be the moment I’ve been dreading where the doctor tells me that yes my heart is sick?

Thankfully all was normal and I’ve been given a clean bill of health. There were no signs of problems that could lead to heart disease, or a heart attack. No, it seems that the exercise that I have been mustering all of my willpower to do over this past year has had a positive effect on this heart of mine that is so used to taking the abuse of the unhealthy ways I tend to deal with the stress and pain in my life. There was a look of shock on the sweet nurse’s face as she read my blood pressure expecting it to be high, and it wasn’t. “Wow your blood pressure is good!”, she said looking a little astonished. I have to admit, I was a little shocked too.

Even though I walked out of the doctor’s office last week with a report that my heart is healthy, I know the truth. I know that the spiritual condition of my heart is far from healthy. Even our most advanced technology cannot pick up on the pain and the poison from my past that is lurking deep within my heart waiting to erupt. I know the crater-sized hole there, left from a devastating decision I made; I know all the cracks and crevasses longing to be filled with the love and acceptance I have not felt; and the hole there left by my husband who promised to love me forever, but changed his mind. I know all too well, these things about my heart.

But so does my Great Physician. He does not need advanced technological devices to look deep within my heart to see what its underlying condition is. He already knows the damage and the scars there, and he knows the problems they will cause if he does not treat them. If I let Him, he will lovingly take each hurt and bring healing to it. Those places of hurt can be filled with a love so wide and so deep, that there will not be even a tiny crack remaining that is not filled by it.

But I need to be willing to come and lay on His examining table and allow Him to do that work in me. When His work in me is finally complete, and I walk out with the report that my heart is well, I can know for sure that it is. Jesus is the only one who can bring healing and health to our broken and scared hearts. Jesus is the only answer. It is with Jesus, and only Jesus that my heart truly can be healthy.

I pray that His desires for this dedicated land will also be also my desires. I pray His Spirit will give to me the wisdom to understand, that which is stirring in this blessed America. I pray for His peace to enfold me like my warm wool afghan, to experience His nearness as in a gentle breeze catching my attention, or as close as the rush of the heat from the sun on my skin. Whatever path I travel, to known or unknown places, I will lie down in trust and rise in expectation, and offer thanks from a heart brimming with love and joy for the land of my birth, my home.

I love that God designed America with His standards and that he shelters Her people, (the brotherhood) who belong to Him, in gentle, loving, caring, guiding ways, with a firm and righteous hand, He makes us strong for the day. He shares with His own, the power to bless and to be blessed, so I bless you, and you, and you, America, and I pray “God shed His grace on thee”. And when He blesses, let the fireworks began!

Oh that we would be:
Isaiah 26:1b-2 CEV

You see, in September of 2008, I was called by a dear friend to go visit another friend who had just found out that her baby- the baby she had carried to full term- had died in her womb. I was called because my friend hoped that I might understand the circumstances, having had two miscarriages of my own… But I can honestly tell you- EVERY circumstance is so different… and although I had gone through a loss… nothing prepared me for what the next 72 hours would bring.

What I saw over the next 72 hours was grief indescribable and parents working through shock- broken hearts, trying to let go, saying goodbye to their beloved…

After the baby was delivered (a beautiful baby girl), I was asked to come back to visit the grief stricken mom, her husband, and to say goodbye to the baby. And it was then that I learned that few words need be uttered under such sorrowful of circumstances.
I love you, many muttered.
I’m so very sorry, said others.
Tight hugs given over and over again.

The couple asked if I would like to hold their baby. I took her in my arms. And I cried. She’s beautiful, I told them, watching as her parents proudly gazed on. I held her, rocked her, and cried some more… I watched as the mommy and daddy held their baby as well. Watched as they held each other. Watched as the beautiful mommy dressed her baby one last time for the service…

But what happened next, is something one sees only under rare circumstances… This couple, though grief stricken- also had hope… Hope in knowing that one day they would see their baby again… For 72 hours, the little girl and her parents touched everyone around them- nurses, doctors, families…

The memorial service was held in the hospital’s chapel and would you believe- the nurses that had been part of taking care of this family- all came and joined in worship… For what seemed like 20-30 minutes, the most beautiful rendition of “It is Well” was played… not a dry eye in the room- hands raised in worship- yes even the nurses were praising God… Praising a God who brings hope under such sorrowful circumstances.

I will never ever forget the beautiful baby girl who never took one breath of life here on this earth. I will never forget the parents, who through their sorrow- looked to their Father in heaven for hope and peace. I will never forget the broken hearts, the tears. I will never forget the moment when the parents were forced to say their one last goodbye. I will never forget the months later when the mommy clung dearly to the HEM OF HIS CLOAK…

Today, I realize that God was preparing me for a new set of circumstances- acquaintances who have lost their 3 month old baby girl… parents, who for reasons yet unknown- have chosen to share with me their story of loss and heartbreak… I am asking God to give me wisdom and to show me how best to share Christ’s love with them during the most painful moment of their lives. Sometimes, I’ve learned, no words need be uttered… sometimes- what’s needed most are prayers, strong hugs, and the love of our Christ that lives within our soul.
Lord teach us- teach me- to be more like you- to love the way you loved… and teach me how to share your love with the broken hearted.

Post: September 6, 2008
I Held Her Baby, Lord

Lord, take away her pain,
as she tries her best to let go
so many tears this eve
yet so much peace
and your abounding love
friends gathered
songs of praise
a peace that comes only in knowing
that her babe rests in your arms

“Yeah?” I answered.

“Julie says that her Mama told her that she is the most beautiful girl in the whole world.”

“Huh?” I asked, giving her my full attention.

“She said that if her Mama said it, then it’s true.” She looked at me with questioning eyes.

“Hmmmm.” My mind whirling as it donned on me how destructive these simple little “loving” comments could really be.

“Is it true Mama? Is she the most beautiful girl in the whole world? Her Mama tells her that every night before she goes to bed.” She searched my face for a response and reassurance.

I took my daughter’s hand, sat her down with me and looked her straight in the eye. “Yes.” I said, seeing the surprise of disappointment on the most beautiful face I have ever seen. “She is the most beautiful girl in the world, to her Mama. Sometimes, Mama’s can only see beauty in their own children. Her Mama wasn’t lying to Julie; she probably believes what she says. But, what she said isn’t true to everyone. Do you understand?”

“No.” She said with tears starting to well in her eyes.

I realized in that moment that my daughter wanted me to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I wanted to cave and tell her what she wanted to hear. Then, I realized that I had allowed the values of the world to begin to shape my daughter’s perspective of what was important about her. I had not intervened and directed her to who Christ says that she is. I had even contributed to the frailty of her developing self value by putting emphasis more on her outward appearance than on her heart and relationship with Jesus. That was the changing moment, and I asked God to help me to know what to say next. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I had to disappoint her with truth in love, so that she would not be devastated later by the lie she had been learning. The lie that so many of us get sucked into, and waste time, money and energy on instead of things of true value. In retrospect, maybe I could have been more gentle. Although, in the moment, I didn’t have the benefit of hindsight. In fact, I was quite disturbed by the worldly education of superficial values she was already being indoctrinated with. So I continued on.

“You are a beautiful girl. God made you. He created every detail of you, and there is no one like you. But… there will always be someone prettier, smarter, or more creative than you are, or I am.” She was really upset now. “They are prettier, smarter and more creative because that is what the world says they are. The ‘world’ is what people think and believe. But those things are NOT what God says is important. It isn’t fair for Julie’s Mama to tell her those things.”

“Why?” She cut in.

“She means it to be nice, but really, Julie is only going to be sad when she realizes that not everyone thinks that she is the prettiest girl in the whole world.” She looked at me intently. “It would be better if Julie’s Mama told her how she is beautiful to God.” As I was talking, I realized I had been doing just as poorly in this area of parenting as Julie’s mother. “What really matters is who God says we are, and what HE says is beautiful about us.”

“What does He say?” She asked.

“God says that what is beautiful about us is our hearts – the inside person; how we love Him and want to know Him; how we love others and serve others for Him. These are the things that are really beautiful and the Bible teaches us how to have this kind of beauty. We are supposed to take care of our bodies because God gave them to us and they are His temple, but they are not what is most important about us. What is truly beautiful about you is that you love Jesus and you want to know Him more. You are His child, His treasure; He loves you and wants you with Him. You are His beautiful creation, He knows everything about you and will ALWAYS love you.”

Relief and joy flooded her face. She hugged me like I had told her the best news in the entire world, and really, I finally had. His truth set her free. Free to seek the Lord’s approval instead of people’s approval.

Surely, the female mind and heart love to hear that she is beautiful. Being “pretty” in a princess dress to “lovely” in a wedding gown are addresses to our femininity, and they bless us. The trick is, to teach our children not to desire this approval above all else. It would be better to raise a daughter who appreciates a complement, but wholly desires to know who she is in Christ. Of course we want her husband to appreciate her beauty. However, it is far more important that she is drawn to a man who thinks her walk with Christ is her most beautiful quality.

Maybe you believed the lies about what the world told you is beautiful. Maybe you have unwittingly taught your children these things as well. It can be hard to avoid in this superficial world we live in. Don’t despair; simply turn to your Father in heaven! He wants to show you just how precious and beautiful you are to Him. He will forgive your missteps and give your heart and mind a new perspective, if you ask Him. He will grow in you a beauty that will not fade.

After that conversation, my daughter loved to say, “I am God’s beautiful creation!”… She is, and so are you!

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

2 Corinthians 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Bible references taken from the New International Version

Proverbs 18:24 comes to mind when I think about these things: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” One thing I have learned from my sons is the close bond that forms between comrades-in-arms. The battle is not just about their own survival, but the struggle to survive becomes for them a continual fight to protect and watch the back of the man next to them. They live and breathe this existence as they daily face enemy fire. To lose a buddy then, can be absolutely devastating.

Our oldest son still wears a bracelet, which contains the name of Sergeant Hector Leijah, who was killed in Iraq by a sniper, during what has become known as the Battle of Haifa Street. The bracelet, made of blackened aluminum, has become scratched and faded over the past two years, but our son carries Sgt. Leijah’s memory as a daily reminder of that life cut short in service to our country.

Then there are those who have taken the hit and survived—some with visible and some with invisible scars. Our youngest son took a hit in Afghanistan last year. I can still recall the fear and worry we experienced in those first couple of days—not fully knowing the extent of his injuries or what the outcome would be. Thank God, he has pretty much recovered, although his injuries have left him with constant pain and cut short his military career. But it is the invisible scars that most concern me. I cannot begin to understand what my boys have gone through. I get overwhelmed and find myself having to mentally tune out during some of their discussions about their experiences; disturbed by the images of war—of what sound to me like hell on earth—that will live in their minds for the rest of their lives.

Another verse that comes to mind when I think about our country’s heroes is John 15:3: “Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” I know at the very least, there are two individuals who are still alive in this world because of each of our son’s willingness to risk his life for his friend. Our youngest son is the recipient of a Bronze Star with Valor for rescuing one of his comrades in the midst of enemy fire. He seems a bit embarrassed about the attention given him in this, and I have seen the same humble reaction in both our sons and in other service-members as well—who are thanked or otherwise lauded for their service by grateful citizens. He doesn’t talk much about these things, and to this day, we don’t know the full story of what happened on that day.

Our other son was in a convoy of strikers vehicles. The front vehicle was hit by an IED bomb. He told us the harrowing story of how his men dragged their brother-in-arms from the burning vehicle—his legs badly mangled from the blast—and how they raced through the dark streets of Baghdad with only their navigation screen to guide them. Our son attended to his friend, desperately attempting to stop the bleeding and keep him alert. The toll his friend paid in service to this country was huge; he lost both legs that night. After the incident, our son had no contact with his comrade. Recently, however, they reconnected on facebook and met up. Our son learned that his buddy had flat-lined more than once that night, and had no recollection of anything that happened, except that someone kept yelling at him to stay awake. That was my son.

I am so extremely proud of both of our sons and for all of our service-members, who daily risk life and limb for this country and for our freedoms. I have had a small taste of the worry and agony of being the parent of a son in the line of fire. My heart hurts for the loved ones of those who have paid the ultimate price. I cannot fathom the depth of their sorrow. My biggest concern is that our sons and daughters would be facing down death on a daily basis without God’s love and presence as a bulwark against the enemy of their souls.

Please pray with me that those who are serving would know the truth that sets them free—and the deep love and compassion of God, who renews our hearts and gives us hope. Pray for a revival in our country and within our military. Pray also for those who struggle daily to overcome the emotional and physical challenges of their post-war lives. Finally let’s remember the grieving family members and friends for whom this day is no picnic.

All Scripture references from the NIV

We all know, however, that Christians (yes, even very spiritual ones) do suffer in this life—just like every other human being, but there is an important difference: hope. 2 Corinthians 4, verses 7-10 tells us:

But we have this treasure [the Gospel] in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Our hope is not grounded in the magical belief that our faith and prayers will save us from the worst imaginable scenarios in life. Rather, it is in Our Loving Savior, who gives us power to overcome, even at our weakest point in life. He redeems our suffering and carries us through the deepest darkness. Why? In verse 15 of the same chapter, we learn that all this is for our benefit, so that “the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.”

As others see our faith in action, it opens their eyes to see the Lord and His love more clearly. What hope could we give the lost in their suffering if as believers, we were somehow immune to the same? No—our hope cannot be grounded in the mistaken belief that those things we fear the most can simply be prayed away or denied because of our standing with God. True hope is in the character of God, not in what we want Him to do for us.

(All Scripture referenced from NIV)

Set Aside Time
Having set working hours or setting aside a certain amount of time each day is extremely important when working from home. The times when I’ve gone through my days hoping that I’ll find the time to get some work done are the times that I’ve struggled the most.

I know of many work-at-home moms that band together and create a co-op where they take turns watching the kids while the other moms in the group work. This way each mom spends a few hours a week away from work while babysitting, but in return is able to focus solely on her business during the times her children are away.

Organize (But Not While You’re Supposed To Be Working)
I’m not an organized person by nature, but when it comes to my business I know that I must be. I’m a list person, so I make a series of lists at the beginning of each week for what needs to be accomplished each day. This helps keep me on track and gives me an idea of how much work time I need to aside each day.

Professional organizer Megan Spears agrees. She states, “The benefits of list making can allow you to relieve your mind of all those things swirling around up inside. Making that list can allow you to empty your mind of information so that you won’t stress about “trying to remember” tasks or activities.”

Turn It Off
A short while ago I took a day and tracked everything that I spent time doing. Hands down, my big time waster was checking my email – especially during time when I was supposed to be doing something else. I’ve learned that when I’m writing or working on a project, the email program must be turned off. This goes for other time wasters such as the television and even the phone. When I’m working, I generally let the answering machine do it’s job. I try to be careful, though, to return calls in a reasonable amount of time.

Know When To Multitask … And When Not To
One of the dilemmas that work-at-home moms face is balance. Because we want to accomplish as much as possible in a given day, we are tempted to do as many things at a time as possible. This can work with menial tasks (think cooking dinner while updating your favorite social networking website), but when you’re handling work for a client or in the midst of a large project it is actually more effective to focus one just that one thing.

Dave Crenshaw, author of The Myth of Multitasking, puts it this way:

“When people attempt to multitask, what they are really doing is switching rapidly back and forth between tasks. This is why I prefer to refer to multitasking as switchtasking . It is these switches that cause people to lose time. In this way, switchtasking causes us to be exponentially less productive.”

We don’t want to lose the freedom that being a work-at-home mom allows, but by re-evaluating how we’re spending our time we can increase our efficiency and eliminate distraction. By making these few simple changes we can not only get more done, but also do a better job of balancing our professional lives and our personal ones.

- Jill Hart

A. I cannot begin my response without first telling you how sorry I am you’ve had to make this life altering step. It’s one none of us who have responsibly made our livings and paid our bills would ever want to take. But as responsible as you were with your finances, you were irresponsible with your son’s.

Your son was demonstrating a pattern in high school which should have been recognized but wasn’t. The first time he said, “Can I borrow a ten?” might have been fine, but when the second time rolled around the answer should have been, “No.” When he woefully cried, “But I’ll lose my job!” you would have said, “I hope you can get another one soon.”

While you may be thinking, “But that was more than a decade ago!” allow me to remind you that your response and reaction to your son’s negative behavior has not changed in all this time.

First, you and Hal must agree to stop the flow of money! Secondly, find out what the real estate rental laws are in your state. The next time the first of the month rolls around, and you have not received rent from your son, follow the procedures with him as you would anyone else. He may not like you for a little while, but I promise you he will thank you in the end.

I must address the issue of your grandchild, which complicates things for you, I know. While you certainly don’t want your little one doing without food or other basic necessities, you must stop paying your son’s child support. Ask yourself, “What will happen if he doesn’t pay?” The mother of his child will then make her own adult decision as to whether to take him to court or not. In the meantime, let her know you are there if anything critical should arise. Otherwise, financial support is between her and your son.

Finally, I strongly advise you and Hal to sit down and write out an agreement between the two of you, followed by an agreement between you both and your son. This should include a list of all the things you will not do for your son again. Then stick to it! Find or begin a support group (remember my SANITY method) in your area for those times when you feel yourself weakening to enable your son. Above all, allow your son to fail on his own and then to pick himself up on his own.

- Respectfully, Allison

A: First, allow me to commend you for identifying the problem and for stopping the insanity wheel long enough to ask for advice. Now, I have some questions of my own; the first one being: Is your adult child employed? My instincts tell me the answer is “no,” mainly because she has a come-and-go policy, disappearing for days at a time. If she had a job, you’d know right where to find her. This, of course, leads to the next question: How is she financially able to exist? Again, instinctively, I’d be willing to say you are enabling her.

Allow me to explain the difference in helping and enabling. Helping is doing something for someone that she is not capable of doing herself. Enabling is doing for someone what she should be doing for herself. By giving an adult child money when they are capable of earning that money by working for an honest day’s pay, you are enabling your adult child. This is the first thing you must stop! In my plan for SANITY, “S” stands for stop enabling … and stop the flow of money!

The “N” stands for nip excuses in the bud! The next time your daughter tells you “she’s an adult and that you cannot tell her what to do” remind yourself that this is her excuse for her bad behavior, but it is not your excuse. The fact is, you can tell her what to do within the boundaries of your home. “I” stands for implement rules and boundaries. If she can- not respectfully accept those boundaries, then you must respectfully ask your daughter to leave your home.

Because your instincts tell you that your daughter stays in shady places (“T” stands for trust your instincts), this may be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done. I can’t promise you the end result or even how long it will take her to “grow up,” but I can tell you that as long as you allow for this kind of disrespect in your home, it can and will end badly. If it ends at all; expect to live like this for a long, long time.

For this reason, allow me to gently express the “Y” in obtaining SANITY, which is yield every- thing to God. Sometimes we have to “wrap” our children in warm blankets and then pray, saying, “She’s yours now, God, and I trust you.”

You may have noticed above that the “A” is missing in the SANITY acronym. “A” stands for assemble a support group in your area. Meeting with other parents of adult children in similar scenarios will help you to stay strong and will become a place where you can pour out your con cerns, your worries, your hopes, your victories, and your return to SANITY.

- Respectfully, Allison