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Monday, October 8, 2007
This morning I once again heard the words that make me feel shameful. I began to meditate on this and asked God why I feel this way. I could hear myself thinking out loud, “God, I am not strong. Why do people think I am strong? By the world’s standards I should be labeled as a strong woman but I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! Why?” Then I felt that oh so gentle nudge tell me ever so sweetly, “You are right to feel that way. You aren’t as strong as others believe and you must tell them so.” What? OK that little spirit of pride started to rise up and I began to sense some queasiness coming on. Then thoughts started to roll around and around my head, “What does He mean I am not strong?” “I went through this and this and survived.” “I should be crazy but I’m not.” “I don’t understand.” “What do they see then God?” “What do they see?!” Then, God interrupts my thoughts. You know how he speaks to you over your own thoughts? Well that is what He did, somewhere between “I don’t understand.” and “What do they see then God?” He said, “They see me.” ….sigh. My eyes widened, my heart started racing, I felt joy swell up in the pit of my stomach and I began to laugh! I knew He was right, after all He is God, but still I always ask Him to show me in His word. And show me He did. Right there in 2nd Corinthians. And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is madeI had felt this way because I am not strong. In fact, I am weak! God has many opportunities to show how strong He is because I have had so many weaknesses! It means I truly am dying to self and allowing myself to become more like Him. Wow! What a revelation! I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I certainly have a new perspective about things that I have gone through. So, if you don't like hearing people talk about how strong you are, from now on you can accept those words with a wink and a smile and say, "Thanks, I'll tell God He is doing a wonderful job!" Just know they see Christ in you. You are reflecting Him! We are being molded and shaped. We are on the potters wheel having our infirmities removed. God is so good! Now, we can gladly glory in our weaknesses so that Christ can be seen. Can I get an Amen?!  I'd love for you to visit me at my personal blog: In Pursuit of Proverbs 31 Labels: Amy's Articles, Christian walk, Suffering Leave a comment... 7 Comments Links to this post The worst day of my life was in the year 2001. My second born son, who was then only 3 years old, accidentally hung himself on the swing set. Some neighborhood kids had received a punching bag for Christmas and we had let them tie it to our swing set because they didn’t have one. Unbeknownst to us, when they took the punching bag down they left the string tied to the top. Jacob saw it and on this particular day he had climbed his way to it and somehow his head became caught in it. I heard my oldest son scream, “Mommy! Jacob stuck!” I turned around to see my little boy twitching from the nearly invisible string hanging down. My heart fell to my knees. As I ran out I screamed for my former spouse who, thank God, was an EMT. I picked Jacob up out of the loop and laid him on the ground. He was blue, twitching and lifeless. By then, his dad was over him doing CPR and I was running in the house to get the baby and the phone to call 911. All of this happened in less than 90 seconds. By the hand of God Jacob began breathing but he was still lethargic and seizing. The paramedics did not believe he would make it. God didn’t agree. Jacob came through it with no damage except for a mark around his neck from the string and broken blood vessels. They were evident all over his face, in his eyes, ears, nose, and all over his scalp. All of his veins had burst from the pressure. When the doctor saw the string that had nearly taken his life he was shocked. It was waxed, deep-sea fishing string. The doctor said it should have severed Jacob’s head completely. He told us we were either the luckiest people he had ever met or somebody up there was looking out for us. Five minutes after I got the news that my son would live and that he should be dead, I broke. I walked outside of the emergency room doors and with people watching from all over I screamed. I sobbed. I cried so hard I could barely breathe. My diaphragm began to pulsate, my eyes and throat swelled up and my head hurt so intensely yet, I couldn’t stop. I cried for three days thinking of the what-ifs. Jacob had already been hospitalized three times. He had severe cases of RSV and Rotavirus back to back. The excessive use of the antibiotics caused the bad bacteria to mutate and made him so sick that he was hospitalized a third time for well over a week. I almost lost my child too many times. I couldn’t take anymore. I rehearsed these scenes in my mind so much that emotionally, I felt as though I had accepted his death. But, he didn’t die. My Jacob became an emotional disaster. He was moody, irritable, and unpleasant to be around. He always had to be under my feet and in my face. There were times when I found myself trying to escape from his neediness. I couldn’t give him enough attention. It became such a chore to me. He always wanted more and if he didn’t get it he cried until he did. At 5 years old he was depressed. At 6 years old he was a train wreck. I didn’t know what to do with him. So, I fasted and prayed. It was then, about two years ago, that God revealed to me that I was the problem. I had put up a wall between me and my son. I had become so afraid of losing him that I literally severed my emotional attachment to him. I could not let myself get close to him. What if he died? I couldn’t survive the pain. I loved him too much. Jacob felt this. Again I wept. What had I done?  I have seen numerous books written for people who have lost their children to accidents, illnesses and disasters. It tells them all about how to overcome the loss of their child, how to have victory over the pain and how to attempt to move on. God bless these people and thank heaven that there is some help out there for them but nowhere did I find a book that tells you what you can do in my situation. Was I the only one who has ever felt this way? There wasn’t a book to tell me how to repair my bond with my baby. So, I went back to the only thing I knew. I looked to God’s word. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love Love is an action. In God’s Kingdom you don’t have to feel it to do it. You must do it to feel it. I had to act on love to feel the emotional bond of love. I am happy to say that God has more than restored my attachment to my son. He has given me a new, deep, ever progressing relationship with him. It is a gift. God has enormous plans for Jacob’s life. He is a very talented artist, musician, writer and he is very smart for his age. He is still emotional at times but now I welcome it with a calm voice, smiles, hugs, and kisses. Of my three children, Jacob is the only one that God specifically gave me a name for. While I was pregnant, a woman prophesied to me and said that I should not name him what we had chosen because He had already chosen a name for him. Not long after, God spoke to me and gave me the name Jacob. We had an ultrasound just a few days later and discovered that he was indeed a boy. I used this opportunity to throw out a few additional names to my former spouse just to see what he would say. In the middle of the list of names I added Jacob. After I finished listing the names he looked at me and said, “Let’s name him Jacob.” This had comforted me years later when I looked his name up in a baby name meanings book while in the hospital with him for the pro-biotic treatment. The meaning for the name Jacob was: 1. holder of the heel and 2. protected by God. Ironic? I don’t think so. I'd love for you to visit me at my personal blog: In Pursuit of Proverbs 31 I have posted lots of great pictures from our honeymoon in beautiful Riviera Maya, Mexico. Come by and see! Labels: Amy's Articles, Overcome, Parenting, Satan's schemes Leave a comment... 11 Comments Links to this post Picture this. You are walking through an art gallery full of priceless masterpieces. Every one is unique, and each one carries its own form of beauty. Each piece tells a different story. Some have been damaged by time while others seem untarnished. As you walk through, you begin to critique each piece. You begin to marvel and wonder how something so beautifully and wonderfully made could carry such flaws. You stop by a particular piece and begin to examine it, voicing your opinion about how this work of art could or should have been created better. You hear as others voice their concerns about the art, and you begin to notice the imperfections they see as well. Their opinion becomes your opinion. You move onto the next piece, as the previous piece is no longer perfect or worthy of your time. As you walk away, it is then that you realize that this piece of art you were so harshly criticizing was in fact your very own reflection in a mirror. The work of art was you; the Artist.... God.  We are the workmanship of God. We truly are His masterpieces. It is each unique look or personality trait that makes us priceless. It makes us who we are - the person God created us to be. Who are we to judge God's work? Who are we to throw dirt on His craftsmanship? Yet, this is exactly what we do when we judge others and ourselves. If we are going to walk through God's art gallery and notice the flaws in His sculptures, we need to put our suggestions in the suggestion box instead of criticizing each piece. In simpler terms.... we should pray to the Creator. He is the only one who can make the changes anyway. Only He knows how He intends for this piece to turn out. Besides, do you think He would have paid the highest price for all of us if we weren't worth it? FYI: I am now Mrs. Ryan Bayliss. The big day was September 8th. I will tell you all about it. We are currently on our honeymoon in Mexico! I'll talk to you ladies when I get home... to my new place! I'd love for you to visit me at my personal blog: In Pursuit of Proverbs 31 Labels: Amy's Articles, Encouragement, Insecurities Leave a comment... 5 Comments Links to this post My brother joined the LA National Guard just months after his high school graduation. He graduated from boot camp and was only home for 2 days when he received the news that he was going to Iraq. His orders were to report to Ft. Hood in Texas where he would begin training with the rest of his unit. He would then go to Ft. Irwin for additional training before he deployed. He would be serving a one year tour in Baghdad. My brother gave His life to the Lord at the tender age of 12. He began faithfully seeking God and attending church with us. Then, at a weekend retreat, he had a very bad experience. He never stopped loving God or seeking Him but he didn’t want to go to church anymore either. We never stopped praying for Him and he never stopped seeing the hand of God in things. One of the most profound events to take place in our lives happened while he was in uniform. He called me to say “hi” and “I’m OK” but I heard something else in his voice. I knew something was weighing heavily on his mind and I began to question him. “How was your day?” I asked, only to hear him reply with “fine”. I knew he wasn't telling me everything so I asked how he was feeling. Again he said that he was fine. I then tried one more time. “Did anything interesting happen today?” There was silence. The only noise I heard was the static caused by the bad connection. I urged him to speak with an ever enticing “hmmm?” “Well,” he said, “I don’t exactly know how to explain it.” “Just tell me what happened” I pleaded. “Well, today we were in a gun fight and my battle buddy starting making some bad moves. I motioned for him to change position and get out of the line of fire. The dude didn’t budge. I started yelling at him. I saw him trying to shoot but he had the safety on and nothing was happening. He wouldn't keep his head down, he didn't go for another weapon, and he wouldn't listen to me! They were moving in on us and I knew what was about to happen but he wouldn’t listen. I kept yelling at him but he wouldn’t listen!” “Awe gosh sweetie, I’m so sorry. What happened to him?” I questioned. “Well he got killed. I didn’t protect him. It was my job to keep him alive and I didn’t! I was too busy pointing out what he was doing wrong. Now I have to write a letter to his parents explaining why their son is dead. It’s my fault, how am I supposed to explain this to them?” I could hear the hurt and panic in his voice. I wasn’t really prepared when I heard this so honestly I had no idea what to say. I wanted to comfort him but all I could do is buy time till I thought of something appropriate to say. So I asked him why he thought it was his fault. His reply was like a word from God. In a distraught tone of voice he answered, “It’s my fault because instead of protecting my brother I was pointing the finger at him. I should have just shot the enemy myself instead of yelling at him to do it. I was in range. I had the authority to do it but I didn’t. I just kept pushing him to do it. He was in a vulnerable situation. He was confused and unsure of himself and I made it worse by what I did. I should have just shot the enemy and talked to him about his mistakes after the fact. But nooooo, I was too busy being Mr. Know It All.” That is what he said. But you know how God is… here is what I heard: We should never point fingers at our brothers and sisters when they are in a weak frame of mind. We must lift them up, protect them, intercede for them, and rebuke the enemy on their behalf. When they are stronger, then we can discuss how they could have better handled the situation. We are in this together. We are to be united in the body of Christ. When one falls we must lift him up. I don’t ever want to have to explain to God why one of his children fell away and all I did was continued to point the finger at him. We must choose not to be self righteous. “Hello?” he said. “Uh, are you still there?” “I’m sorry. Yes, I’m here.” I replied in an almost confused sort of way. “What’s wrong? You know it was just a training exercise. He didn’t really die. I mean, I really do have to write a letter to his parents as part of the exercise and that more than anything has me thinking. Only the Sgt. will read it but it just really bothers me because it could have been real. It could have really happened. I don’t want to be that way in an actual war zone. I never want to have to explain that to someone's father, you know?” “Yes. Yes, I know. I just really got a revelation from God from what you told me. It was quite the eye opener.” I explained it to him and he too received the revelation immediately. It’s a good thing we did too. He carried this with him to Iraq. His unit prayed before every mission. His team was just that… a team. They stood together. They prayed together. They watched each other’s back. They all came home alive. Months later I too had this revelation brought back to memory at a time when I needed it most. A friend of mine was in a tough situation. He had fingers pointed at him in all directions. What he was being accused of was something that I wholeheartedly detested but I remembered what God showed me. I prayed for my friend and stood by him when others cast him out of their lives and out of their church. I fought the enemy on his behalf. I loved him and stood by him when his own family wouldn’t. Today God is using him in a mighty way to reach the lost and hurting. This world is not perfect now and it never will be. People will make mistakes. We are all in this together. We are the body of Christ. We can’t expect others to meet expectations that we can’t meet ourselves. In order to conquer the enemy for the sake of the people we must fight the war with love, selflessness, and integrity.
Labels: Amy's Articles, Encouragement, Friendship Leave a comment... 6 Comments Links to this post There are definitely times when our faith is tested. I know for me this is one of those times…. My wedding is three weeks away and there is still a lot to be done. I have had to depend on Ryan to get things done lately because my grandmother is in the hospital with an enlarged heart, irregular heartbeat, and pneumonia. She will have a pacemaker put in on today (Friday morning). We have been in this hospital for four days now. I miss my boys. My grandma is miserable here. She wants to go home. It is hard to stay positive when I am hearing so much negativity from her all day long. She is not a happy patient. ;o) I don’t think either of us has slept more than three hours a night since we have been here. It is taking its toll on us. I am grateful that I was there when she had the arrhythmia episode and passed out. She quit breathing and nearly went face first into the tile floor. I can’t believe how much God sets things up in our lives. My brother “just so happened” to come over that night to get his eyebrows tweezed (yes, my muscular, military, rough, manly man brother has his eyebrows tweezed by his sister). I can’t say how happy I am that he was there. Because of his military training he knew exactly what to do. I know that God has a good bit of revelation to give me through all of this. I am just not seeing the big picture right now. I can’t wait to write about it when I do! There are many more trial going on right now but God is ultimately in control. I can’t tell you how happy I will be to finally be married, have a home again, and go on that much desired honeymoon. Have a great weekend ladies! Romans 8:28
Labels: Amy's Articles, Faith Leave a comment... 6 Comments Links to this post I am a first born. I had an approval addiction. In an attempt to always earn gratitude, attention, and worth, I became an overachiever. I made A’s. I cleaned my room. I took care of my siblings. I took on my mother’s problems. I helped my sister pay for her wedding. I took in my brother at age 14. I worked 40+ hour weeks on top of being a mother. I tried to do everything. By the time I was an adult I was burnt out and bitter. I had so much resentment towards those who didn’t give me their approval. It became so bad that I was angry at myself for not achieving certain things. But God revealed something to me one day. I was in bondage. Approval had become a false god in my life. He revealed to me that my expectations of myself were causing others to expect the same of me. When I couldn’t deliver I began to have the same expectations of others to soothe my pain. After all, if they couldn’t do it then they shouldn’t expect me to. This was a vicious cycle. Besides, if my mother wasn’t capable of raising her son then how could she expect me to be a perfect mother to him? I was only 24. What did I know about raising a teenager? That is what I thought. However, I still felt it was my responsibility to be the mother he never had. I felt like I had to save him. I began to fervently seek God and pray for the bondage to be broken. At a woman’s conference I prayed as loud as I could for the generational curses to be stopped at my generation. I got on my face and begged God to take this away from me. Then, one night, He said, “I already did.” When? I still feel the same! Why do I still feel like I am shackled? I could not lift my arms in praise since they were bound to my ankles. I could not sing songs of worship because the posture I had to take constricted my voice. I was not free. Why? I began to feel the words that were coming forth in worship:
Tears began to stream down my face. I felt God holding me. He was speaking to me through this song…
I heard Him say “let go.” “Let go of what?” I asked. “Control” He said.
“But how do I let go?” I asked Him. God said to me, “Look down” When I looked down at the chains that bound me…  …they were already broken. All I had to do was take them off. They had been broken the whole time. I had prevented my own freedom. With my eyes closed and tears pouring from my eyes, I went through the motions of removing the chains from my wrists. I didn’t care who saw or what they thought. I just did it. I raised my hands higher than I ever had before. I began to jump up and down, smile, and sing louder than I ever had before.
I had to give up control of my emotions and mindset to God. I accepted my freedom from this bondage. I sometimes still fall back into this old mindset. It is during these times that God reminds me to remove the shackles and to stop holding on to things that I think I have control over. "I will walk at liberty and at ease, for I have sought and inquired for [and desperately required] Your Truth and Your Wisdom." - Psalm 119:45 "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed." - Luke 4:18
Labels: Amy's Articles, Freedom Leave a comment... 8 Comments Links to this post I pray for you everyday, even though I don’t know who you are. I ask God to protect you, to hold you, to love you. I pray that your mom teaches you about God’s Word, how to be a loving mother, and how to cook and clean with ease. I pray that your father is a loving example of how a man should treat you. I pray that you don’t have too many trials in life but that those you do have teach you how precious God’s love for us truly is. I pray for the first time we meet to be a joyous event. I pray that you will accept me as a mother. I will open my arms to you. I begin to wonder what you look like. What color are your eyes? What color is your hair? What color is your skin? Do you smile often? Will you smile at me? I wonder what life has been like for you. Do you live in a Godly home? Do you attend a good school? What are your hobbies? I wonder how old you will be when we meet. Will you have children? Will you have a ministry? Will you like some of the same things that I do? Will God show me right away that you are her? You see, I long to see you, to talk to you, and to learn from you. I think of you daily and I remember you in my prayers. I want to know the woman whose childhood I missed but whose adulthood I will have the pleasure of sharing. I want God to bless you abundantly and show you favor. I want to know your name. Even though I don’t know who you are, God does and I want to give you one of the greatest gifts that I have. A gift that will love you, admire you, protect you, provide for you, and cherish your very being. I want to give a gift that I have treasured for years, a gift that has brought me much love, much joy, and much pride. This gift that I will give you… 
As I embark upon the journey to become a wife to a man that I love and admire so very much, it has caused me to think about the real gift his parents are giving to me. I have so much gratitude for the effort they put into raising this man and they have welcomed me and my children with open arms. I want this same thing for the women my boys will one day marry. I have made it a point to pray for these young girls on a daily basis and will continue to do so. My children are my greatest gift. I will be receiving someone’s greatest gift. Now I can somewhat imagine how God must feel while Jesus awaits His bride. After all, what gives us hope and joy, and what is our proud reward and crown? It is you! Yes, you will bring us much joy as we stand together before our Lord Jesus when he comes back again. For you are our pride and joy. 1Th 2:19-20
Labels: Amy's Articles, Marriage, Motherhood, Parenting, Prayer Leave a comment... 9 Comments Links to this post
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Some mornings bring with it the very essence of chaos: the children have awakened before me and decided to redecorate and reorganize the kitchen and living area, the phone has rung 4 times and everyone on the other end of the line demands my immediate attention. The kids put too much tissue in and the toilet overflows. I am out of toothpaste, all the boys want something different to eat for breakfast, I have to get dressed, and I need to start the kids lessons by at least 9:30 and it is already 9:25. All of this and I haven’t even finished my coffee! Now, I finally get everyone fed, pancakes all around. I take care of myself and I begin the lessons on dinosaurs. They begin to complain and I become fussy and irritated as well. While they are doing independent projects I try to begin tidying up. All of a sudden they forget how to do a notebook page! What is going on today? Stress doesn’t begin to describe the way I am feeling. I continue with lessons only to stop ¾ short and call it a day. I have so much to do and things just aren’t going well. I begin to work on ministry things and all of a sudden I hit a brick wall and can’t go any farther. “Why is this happening God? What is the problem here?” I ask as I am putting up dishes from the dishwasher. “I am doing all of this because I know that it is what you want me to do. Where are you? I could use some help!” Then, just as I turn around, I see it. It is my partially sipped cup of coffee that is now cold. It is right next to my unopened bible on the kitchen table. I froze. My heart sank.  I glanced over at the chair and in my spirit I saw Him sitting at my table. He looked me in the eye and then I heard Him say, “I’ve been right here all morning. I’ve been waiting for you.” Oh my! As life as I know it happened today I forgot to sit down and spend some time with Jesus. My heart broke as I comprehended that I had been too busy to even realize that I had indeed forgotten Him. I never did sit down to read and pray. I had kept Him waiting.
All morning I had been doing things I deemed Godly and in the name of Jesus: training my children, preparing food for my family, taking care of my home, doing ministry things, and making last minute wedding decisions. Yet, I forgot one thing… the most important thing. I forgot to spend time with Him. Jesus knows He is always welcome in my home and so do my friends for that matter. However, I would never just open the door for my friends, not say a word to them, and then just disappear. I wouldn’t go off to clean up or prepare a feast without first spending time with them. I would at least thank them for coming, give some hugs, sit down and chat and laugh a bit, then go prepare some food or beverages and return for a full visit when I was done. So then, how in the world could I not give more to my Lord? We must sit at His feet in order to be raised up by Him. We must be taught by Him if we are going to teach our children. We can’t be worried about eating food and cleaning our home until we receive our daily bread from His word and receive cleansing from repentance through prayer. We can’t blame God for the multitude of work and then ask for help when we have yet to submit ourselves to Him for that day. God loves us. He is concerned over the details and will help us with them. He knows what we need but how can we expect to receive it from Him if we never spend time with Him? I stopped picking up dishes, I turned off the phone, I sent the boys outside to play and I began to read and pray. “God forgive me for not spending time with You this morning. I want to be in your presence all day. I pray that I never again forget to invite you into my day again. I need You to guide me. I know how much simpler and greater my days are when You are a part of them. I love you Lord. Please help me to never forget again.” Then I stumbled across this scripture: John 8:12 (emphasis mine) Jesus said to the people, "I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won't be stumbling through the darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life." I had been stumbling through darkness all morning. I realized this after I read that scripture. My day began to replay in my mind just like a movie. I heard the alarm go off, the phone ringing, I saw the mess I needed to clean, I felt the aggravation of the overflowing commode and the absence of toothpaste. I sensed the urgency of getting something to eat for the kids and getting their daily lessons started. I heard the clanking of the plates right before I turned around and saw Him. This time He smiled at me. Suddenly I heard Him say something to my spirit that I will never forget. “Amy, as long as you follow me, it is impossible that I did not walk before you and prepare the way.” Wow! How profound is that? I began to absorb this into my spirit and my intellect. It was so true. It would be impossible! If I am following Him then He has to be in front of me, my eyes must be on Him. If He is walking before me then He has to be preparing the way! He is lighting the path for me! He is showing me how to avoid the obstacles. He is guiding me through the day! How do I follow Him? I keep Him as my number one priority in everything. I go to Him every day before I do anything else. I must always be aware of His presence. I acknowledge Him everywhere I go and in everything that I do. Tomorrow morning when I wake up I will spend time with Him... before the pancakes and dinosaurs! How has your day been going? Is He still waiting for You?
I'd love for you to visit me at my personal blog: In Pursuit of Proverbs 31 Labels: Amy's Articles, Endurance, The Word Leave a comment... 9 Comments Links to this post  A former columnist and editor for a ministry newspaper, Amy hits home with her thought provoking, eye opening, and sometimes emotional way of writing to capture the hearts and hand of her readers. She has a desire to see the hand of God in everything, to always be aware of His presence, and to love and live life to the fullest. It is possible to have it all and you are only required to pursue one thing…. a true, deep, and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.Coming from the heart of Cajun country, Amy will write all about what she is In Pursuit of... joy, peace, comfort, chocolate, and more! Life has not always been a passion for this 30-something-years-young, homeschooling mom to three energetic little boys but God offers hope and healing to anyone in search of it. After a heartbreaking divorce from her boy's father and being a single mother for nearly 4 years, Amy was wed to her best friend Ryan in September of 2007. She has a heart for encouraging and equipping women and she is a firm believer that a woman’s first ministry should be to her family. This successful entrepreneur also loves to travel, cook, scrapbook, and read in her spare time. Visit her blog at In Pursuit of Proverbs 31. Labels: Amy's Articles, The Blog Team Leave a comment... 0 Comments Links to this post
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